


I’ll sleepwalk back to you

by addendum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Making Out, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 08:08:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20005051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addendum/pseuds/addendum
Summary: Five times Remus Lupin was woken up in the middle of the night by Sirius Black.





	I’ll sleepwalk back to you

The first time Remus Lupin was woken from a sound sleep by Sirius Black, the waking was completely unintentional. It was sometime around midnight halfway through the boys’ fifth year, and Remus’s eyes shot open to the sound of furious whispering. He could tell it was Sirius speaking, but the curtain that hung between them made it impossible to know who he was speaking to. 

“I don’t know what to do!” He was saying frantically. The tone in his voice made Remus take pause. Sirius was always the definition of cool and collected. Remus had no idea that panic was even a response he engaged with.

“You need to take a deep breath, mate.”

That was James’ voice. Was Peter awake too? Remus wondered. He hadn’t said a word, but it wouldn’t be surprising if he was just sitting on his bed silently, watching James and Sirius with his usual childlike adoration. Truthfully, he was a little pathetic sometimes.

“James, you just don’t understand.” Sirius huffed, clearly frustrated. A distinct pattern of footsteps told Remus that he had begun to pace.

“Oh, right.” James drawled sarcastically. “Silly old James, thinking he could understand something as complicated as unrequited love. Does the name Lily Evans ring a bell to you, Sirius?”

Remus barely heard his friend’s sardonic comment. His thoughts had gone all foggy the moment he heard the word “love”. Had Sirius really fallen in love with someone? He felt a lump forming in his throat.

“This isn’t the same thing at all.” Sirius said decisively. “At least Evans is a...”

Sirius paused, dropping his voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. It was obvious that he didn’t want to risk anyone else hearing him. Remus strained his ears.

“A _girl_.”

Remus just barely stopped himself from gasping, instead using his blanket to conceal his mouth. He couldn’t possibly have heard that right. But he had! Sirius had said “At least Evans is a girl” meaning...that Sirius’s own crush was not a girl? James sighed, and Remus could imagine the sympathetic expression that was probably on his face. 

“Mate.” He said solemnly. “Don’t go getting yourself all worked up over that part. You like blokes. So what?”

Sirius laughed sharply, but Remus could tell there was no mirth involved. His own mind was racing in an attempt to compute all of this new information. Sirius liked blokes, he repeated in his mind. He felt like he was dreaming.

“Oh, is it just that bloody simple?” Sirius asked. “Do you have any idea what my family would do if they knew, James?” 

Remus nodded to himself, feeling a pang of empathy for Sirius. Being the only queer kid in a sea of straight people was a feeling he knew all too well. Or at least...he thought he did. Evidently, one of his very best friends had been harboring a secret very similar to his own.

It was silent for a moment until Remus heard James step forward, most likely setting a consoling hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

“Sirius.” He said softly. “If we’re being honest here, it isn’t like your parents are your biggest fans to begin with. So...” 

As he trailed off awkwardly, Remus cringed at how insensitive he sounded. For such a smart kid, James sure could be thick sometimes. Luckily for him, though, Sirius didn’t seem to mind. He snorted disbelievingly as James floundered to make up for his unintended insensitivity. 

“Wow, James. Remind me not to come to you for comfort in the future.”

Remus smiled as the two of them chuckled, happy that he’d woken up to hear this conversation. Not only was Sirius interested in blokes, but James didn’t seem to care at all! Remus felt silly for ever assuming that the people who wholeheartedly accepted him as a werewolf would care about something as harmless as being...gay? Queer? He didn’t know what exactly he was yet, but hearinghis friends discuss the subject without any disgust gave him a feeling of security.

“So, are you ever going to tell him?” James asked.

Remus’s heart stopped. He’d completely forgotten the detail about Sirius being interested in one boy in particular, and being reminded of it knocked him down a few pegs. The thing was...Remus was also very much interested in one boy in particular: Sirius himself.

He could never pinpoint when exactly the feelings had blossomed, but he suspected it was sometime around second year, when Sirius had suggested that he, Peter, and James become animagi in order to keep Remus company during the full moon. It was one of the kindest things anyone had ever volunteered to do on his behalf.

And of course it didn’t help that shortly after that Sirius had turned, seemingly overnight, from a boyishly handsome kid to a fully fledged teenage heartthrob. He would casually throw his hair into a messy ponytail during Transfiguration, and Remus could hardly force himself to look away. He was just so effortlessly handsome.

“Tell him?” Sirius asked incredulously. “I would just throw myself off the Astronomy Tower if I was looking for a suicide mission, mate

Remus rolled his eyes and imagined that James was doing the same.

“You’re such a drama queen.” James said. “And besides, you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed how looks at you.”

That comment really doesn’t narrow it down at all now does it? Remus thought. There were plenty of boys, even perfectly straight ones, who looked at Sirius like he was some kind of god. And who could blame them? He was incredibly good looking, amazingly charismatic, and wickedly smart.

“You’re losing it, Potter.” Sirius said. “He just looks at me the same way he would any old bloke.” 

James laughed in obvious disagreement.

“Yeah, right. You’re telling me he looks at me and Peter the way he was looking at you after that Quidditch game the other day? He was practically drooling.”

Remus remembered the aftermath of that game vividly. Sirius had looked absolutely ravishing after the Gryffindor win, glistening with sweat and grinning at his fellow teammates proudly. Wait, who was James referring to? He’d specifically compared Sirius’s crush to himself and Peter, which almost made it sound as though he was talking about...

“Remus was not drooling over me!” Sirius protested. He sounded embarrassed. Remus could barely contain the urge to leap out of bed, announcing his presence.

Sirius fancied him? Sirius Black, who could have his pick of Hogwarts’ most beautiful girls, was interested in Remus? He feared that his friends would be able to hear his heart pounding in excitement.

“Trust me.” James said. “You both give each other the same lovesick looks when you think the other isn’t looking. It’s right sickening, if I’m being honest.”

Remus’s stomach was doing flips. Lovesick! What a word. Was this really happening? Sirius even knew about his condition, and he was still interested in him. He covered his face with both hands, overwhelmed with giddiness.

“Oh, shut it.” Sirius said. “As if your eyes don’t turn into hearts whenever Evans so much as spares you a glance.”

James really couldn’t argue with that comment, but it didn’t stop him from trying. Remus could hear him give Sirius a light shove.

“Okay, okay! I’ll lay off about your little crush.” Sirius conceded. “We have more important matters to discuss anyhow. When do you think we’ll be able to transform, James? It’s been years now!” 

Remus grimaced. He knew exactly what Sirius was referring to: he, Peter, and James had been attempting to become animagi since second year, and still their plan hadn’t come to fruition. Hearing the concern in Sirius’s voice made Remus feel a little guilty. This was something they were doing for him, after all.

“Soon, Sirius.” James assured him. “Probably by Christmas break. Remus won’t have to suffer alone any longer.” 

For the millionth time since meeting him, Remus felt a surge of gratitude for James Potter. He was such a loyal friend, even in the worst of times. He listened as James and Sirius began stepping away from each other, heading toward their separate beds. 

“I hope you’re right.” Sirius whispered. “Are you going to sleep now, James?” 

“I think I’d better. Goodnight, mate. And don’t stay up all night worrying about Rem. He’s gonna be fine.”

Remus’s smile grew impossibly larger. Sirius was so sweet, staying up late to worry about him. 

“I’ll do my best, James. Night.”

Even as the two of them fell silent, their breathing slowing down as they drifted off into sleep, Remus stayed wide awake. He was far too excited to relax, knowingwhat he now did about Sirius Black.

••••

“Remu-u-us!” Sirius sang, tearing away the curtain that shielded his boyfriend’s bed.

The two of them had finally become official partway through their sixth year when James, sick of the constant pining, had literally pushed Sirius into Remus in an effort to make his best friend express his feelings. The books had been knocked out of Remus’s hands, but the ensuing conversation did lead to certain confessions. Remus would never forget how the look of genuine anxiety on Sirius’s face.

“Sirius?” Remus asked groggily, startled. He sat up hurriedly, his eyes adjusting to the darkness.

His exhausted brain quickly began supplying him with reasons why Sirius might be waking him up in the middle of the night. Was he hurt? Had he gotten himself into trouble? Sirius answered Remus’s unspoken questions when he held up a pumpkin pasty, dangling it tauntingly in front of the other boy.

“Honestly, Sirius.” Remus whispered, biting back a smile. “We’re almost seventh years and you’re still sneaking into the kitchen at night to steal sweets?”

“Oi!” James spoke up from elsewhere in the dark room. “Don’t go giving him all the credit!” 

Sirius barked out a laugh, whipping his head around to make a face at his best friend. James responded in kind, while Remus merely rolled his eyes at their antics. He wondered, as he often did, whether the two of them would ever grow out of their fondness for mischief.

“You too, Prongs?” He asked. “Don’t tell me you’ve dragged Wormtail into this too.”

James laughed, gesturing lazily to where Peter was curled up in bed. He was practically huddled into the fetal position, his blankets bunching up around him and his knees pulled to his stomach. He’d been out like a light long before Sirius and James had begun plotting.

“Hardly.” James said. “You know how Pettigrew values his sleep.”

Remus gave his friend a pointed look, raising one eyebrow.

“As do I, James. And yet, the two of you felt it necessary to wake me in the middle of the night.”

“To share our riches!” Sirius explained, pulling another pastry from his pocket and popping it into his mouth.

Remus’s mouth watered the slightest bit. An image of rich, chocolate covered delicacies appeared in his head and he wondered if either of them had managed to snag any. Despite the temptation to ask, he still felt a tug of annoyance in his stomach.

“You’re ridiculous, the both of you.” He scolded. “You’re lucky you didn’t get into trouble!” 

James and Sirius traded knowing smirks, their eyes meeting in the darkness. 

“We came pretty damn close, Moons.” Sirius admitted. “Luckily, we saw our dear Minerva creeping up on the map and managed to hide just in time.”

Far from the amused reaction that Sirius was clearly expecting, Remus looked horrified.

“Sirius!” He said. “What if you’d been seen? You could’ve gotten expelled! What would I do without the two of you?” 

The thought truly did cause Remus’s heart to seize. He always feared that James and Sirius were becoming a little too reckless with their pranks and their schemes. What would he do if they were caught doing something they couldn’t talk their way out of? He’d be left with Peter who, without James and Sirius to fawn over and take orders from, was little but a quiet, boring, rather cowardly thing. James was their fearless leader, and Sirius was...well, Sirius was the person Remus feared losing the most. 

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” Sirius said. “After all, I brought you this out of the kindness of my heart.”

He produced yet another treat from out of his pocket, and when Remus squinted he could tell that it was indeed chocolate. He fought the urge to go for it immediately.

“As though I would really want something that’s been ruminating in your pocket all night, Sirius.” He forced himself to say.

Sirius smirked, pushing Remus’s legs away to make room and climbing into the bed. Remus didn’t protest.

“Sounds like someone’s a little jealous to have missed out on an adventure, Rem.” Sirius teased.

With an embarrassed scowl, Remus turned away. He hated how damn perceptive Sirius could be.

“Aww.” Sirius cooed. “I’m right! Look, Prongs! He’s jealous!”

James chuckled, stripping off his socks and tossing them carelessly on the floor. He took off his glasses, set them down on his bedside table, and crawled into bed. 

“I’m not out to steal your boyfriend, if that’s what you think.” He assured Remus. 

“I can second that.” Sirius said. “Not that I’d ever let him if he tried.” 

When Remus didn’t laugh, Sirius cocked his head in concern. Even without the fur, he looked so much like Padfoot that it was uncanny.

“What is it, Moony?” He asked. “I really didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

The nervousness on his face was something that resonated with Remus. The slight, simple crease in his brow gave away how much he cared about the boy in front of him. It gave Remus the courage to speak.

“Well...” He said, hoping the darkness of the room disguised the fact that his cheeks were turning pink. “I guess I don’t understand why I wasn’t invited tonight. Especially now that...you know.”

Sirius’s expression softened into a smile, and he scooted closer. With one hand, he cradled Remus’s face and brushed his cheek comfortingly with his thumb. Remus noticed that James had gone perfectly silent, and it was suddenly as though he and Sirius were the only two people in the world.

“Now that what, love?” Sirius asked quietly.

Blimey, Remus thought. He didn’t understand how Sirius could be so damn enticing. He knew there were plenty of girls in their year who would kill to have Sirius Black look at them like he was looking at Remus now, all of his rough exterior melted away into this gentleness. 

“Now that I’m your boyfriend. Does that mean you think I’m some kind of ball and chain now? Because I—“

“Remus!” Sirius cut him off. “You’re being ridiculous. Of course I don’t think of you that way. Yes, you’re my boyfriend now but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re one of my best friends.”

Some of the tension in Remus’s shoulders disappeared, but he still couldn’t get rid of the voice in his head that was bothering him. He searched for any hint of insincerity in Sirius’s eyes and of course found none.

“Are you positive?” He asked. “Because two months ago you never would have left me out of your little kitchen raid.”

Part of him hated how he sounded like a nagging wife, but the other part of him really didn’t care. He was going to get to the bottom of Sirius’s behavior, and that was final.

“Well, two months ago I wouldn’t have been making romantic gestures toward you!” Sirius said. Remus’s eyebrows furrowed 

“Romantic gestures?” He asked, and the confusion written all over his face made Sirius laugh. 

“Of course! I only wanted to surprise you with the chocolate.” Sirius confessed. “You’re right about it being in my pocket, though. Hadn’t thought about that.”

Remus’s face lit up in a smile, all the angst he’d been feeling now gone completely. Sirius Black, bad boy extraordinaire, was soft enough to sneak him sweets from the Hogwarts kitchen. 

“Sirius, that’s so thoughtful.” He said, drawing near enough that their noses were touching. Sirius grinned. 

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

Remus closed the distance between them with a kiss, taking in how the scruff on a Sirius’s face rubbed against his own, smoother skin. Fittingly, Sirius tasted of pumpkin pasties. As the kiss deepened, Sirius released a quiet sigh.

“Alright, boys!” James spoke up. “Can the two of you please save all of that for a later date? Preferably one where I’m far, far away?”

Sirius leaned inward, resting his head on Remus’s chest for a moment as they both laughed.

“Sorry about that, Prongs.” Sirius said. “Guess we’ll be going to bed now, huh Rem?”

“Looks like it.” Remus said, his fond gaze toward Sirius not faltering. “Goodnight, Sirius.”

Swiftly, Sirius pulled Remus’s curtain shut to give them some privacy. He gave his boyfriend another stealthy kiss, and they let it linger for a moment before breaking apart. Sirius looked rather proud of himself, unable to hide his smirk. 

“Night, Moony.”

•••• 

On Christmas morning during his final year at Hogwarts, Remus Lupin was woken up by a flurry of kisses.

He’d given his parents permission to go on holiday for the break, meaning that he would stay at Hogwarts for the next two weeks. This was perfectly okay with him, as he’d always thought that Hogwarts seemed even more magical than usual during the Christmas season. It only made matters better when James and Sirius had announced they would be staying too.

It had been a domino effect of sorts. Lily didn’t want to go home because she was in the middle of a spat with her sister (Remus didn’t know how her sister had managed to instigate a fight via owl, but somehow she’d done it). It was a hint of teenage rebellion that Sirius was incredibly proud of, and if Lily was staying, then James was too. Sirius would normally go to James’ family home for the holidays, but now that plan was out the window. And so...Christmas at Hogwarts had transformed into a couples’ retreat, it seemed. At least that’s what McGonagall had quipped when she saw them waving goodbye to Peter on the first day.

The break from classes was a welcome reprieve for them all (especially once James was able to wrench the quill out of Lily’s hand and stop her from “getting ahead in her studies”). The four of them played a few rounds of wizard chess and ate more than their fair share of chocolate frogs, and on the afternoon of Christmas Eve Remus and Lily sat by the lake watching James and Sirius fly their brooms in elaborate patterns above them. 

“James really doesn’t bothering hiding how badly he wants to impress you, does he?” Remus teased as James performed some dangerous looking upside down trick.

Lily giggled, not taking her eyes off the boys.

“Oh, stop it.” She chided. “It isn’t like Sirius is any more subtle about wanting to impress you.”

The two of them collapsed into giggles that were equally sheepish and giddy.

“What’s so bloody funny?” James inquired from the sky. 

“Yeah, aren’t you two supposed to be the mature ones?” Sirius added. 

Their questions only provoked more laughter, the joyful sound bubbling from their lips unbridled. Eventually, Sirius and James stopped eyeing them suspiciously and went back to their flying. Remus felt completely at ease. 

Needless to say, he fell asleep that night thinking about Sirius’s graceful maneuvering of the broom and the sound of Lily’s laughter. It was shaping up to be a wonderful winter break.

Remus’s good mood meant that when he was ambushed with kisses the following morning he didn’t mind. He merely chuckled as he opened his eyes and saw a black dog on the bed in front of him.

“Now, what in the world is a mutt doing in the Gryffindor corridor?” He asked aloud, knowing that none of his fellow Gryffindors were around to eavesdrop.

The dog licked him once more, and Remus wrinkled his nose. He made a mental note to sneak in a bath for Padfoot some time before the next full moon.

“Not that I don’t enjoy you slobbering all over me, Pads,” Remus said sarcastically, “but I would like to tell Sirius merry Christmas.”

It didn’t take any more convincing for Padfoot to transform, his paws becoming human feet and his floppy tongue disappearing into a self satisfied smirk. Sirius sat in his place, giving Remus a quick kiss on the nose in greeting.

“Morning, dear.” He said. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” Remus grinned. “Should I be on the lookout for a huge pair of antlers?”

Sirius laughed.

“No, no. Prongs-er-James is off in the library giving Evans her gift. I’m sure they’re snogging in the restricted section by now.” 

Remus smiled in spite of the imagery. James had been so excited to give Lily the gift he picked out for her in Hogsmeade: a fresh, new quill and beautiful stationary from Scrivenshaft’s. He was sure Lily was going to be touched.

He hoped his gift for Sirius would be equally well received, though he feared it might fall short. The last time he visited Hogsmeade he’d snuck away from his group to buy Sirius a few things from Zonko’s. He knew doing this would only encourage Sirius to pull more practical jokes, but...he also knew it would make Sirius happy, which mattered more to him. 

“You know, Rem,” Sirius said happily, “I think this might be my best Christmas ever.”

The sparkle in his eye indicated that he that he was flirting, and Remus braced himself for a corny line that would somehow also be infuriatingly endearing.

“And why’s that, Sirius?” He asked. Sirius tapped his chin with one finger, pretending to give the question some genuine thought.

“Well, Moony, let’s see: we get turkey sandwiches for dinner tonight, my best mate is with the girl of his dreams, and...” 

He trailed off coyly, causing Remus to send him a warning glare. Sirius laughed. 

“And I’m with you, of course! I’m spending Christmas with Remus Lupin! Prefect, straight O student, werewolf of my dreams.”

Remus rolled his eyes at that last part, but his apparent disapproval didn’t stop Sirius from inching closer to him. Suddenly, Remus was acutely aware of how much privacy they had with most of the other Gryffindors away for Christmas.

“Werewolf of your dreams. Is that right?” He asked. “How perfectly touching. Do you know when James plans on coming back here?” 

Sirius just shrugged, joining Remus in looking around at the empty room. 

“He didn’t say, but considering the fact that he has alone time with Evans I wouldn’t bet on him returning any time soon.”

Remus nodded, too embarrassed to say what he’d be thinking out loud. He was hoping the question about James would be enough for Sirius to guess what he meant, but based on the blank expression on the other boy’s face he’d been wrong.

“Right.” Remus said, clearing his throat nervously. “Er—you figure we’ll be alone for a while then?”

At first Sirius only nodded, but then a lightbulb appeared to go off inside his head and his eyes went wide and excited. Remus turned pink.

“Alone!” Sirius blurted out. “We’re completely alone! This never happens, Rem!”

He was right about that. The four marauders essentially spent every moment of every day together: in the Great Hall, in nearly every class, during their nighttime routines. This was fun, but it never left Remus and Sirius much time to themselves.

“I know.” Remus agreed. “Shall we take full advantage of this opportunity?” 

Rather than answering, Sirius practically tackled him onto the mattress with a kiss. Remus went down for a moment but sat back up, allowing Sirius to straddle him as they continued their kissing. In the back of his mind, he thanked his lucky stars for the best Christmas present a teenage boy could ask for: alone time with the person he fancied.

After a few minutes of hardly parting at all, Sirius pulled away breathlessly to gaze at his boyfriend.

“We haven’t gotten a chance to do that in ages.” He said. “I missed it. A lot.”

“So did I.” Remus admitted somewhat shyly. “But...I do have one small critique.”

Sirius looked sincerely offended, slightly shocked that anyone could have a complaint after making out him. He had been called the best looking boy in their year, after all. 

“Oh? And what’s that, Moony?”

Remus broke into a mischievous grin.

“Padfoot kisses better than you.” He joked. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Are you prepared to bet on that?”

As Sirius went in for another kiss Remus smiled, returning it with great fervor. He caught a momentary glance toward a window and it registered to him, vaguely, that it had begun to snow.

••••

There were nights when the entire bed shook as Sirius flailed about in his sleep. The sounds that slipped from his mouth seemed, at times, more animal than human. And they weren’t even dog like, as one might expect. They were much more feral.

The year after Azkaban was hard on them both. Remus watched as Sirius’s PTSD seemed to fluctuate by the day. At times, it seemed as though it had gone completely. Sirius laughed loudly, showered Remus with affection, and gushed about how proud he was of Harry.

Other times, though, it was like his past had taken over him completely. On these days, Sirius became cold and distant. Remus’s heart broke as he watched Sirius suffer. Living together should have been a beautiful thing. A symbol of life after Azkaban. Instead, it was tainted by trauma and heartache.

On one night in particular, the nightmares reached their peak. Remus awoke to the sound of Sirius’s sobs, half muffled by their comforter, and turned over to face him.

“Siri. Siri.” He said gently, putting a hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

The touch both shook Sirius from his nightmare and genuinely terrified him, his eyes turning big in fear. He wrenched away from Remus instantaneously before he took in his surroundings. This is our bedroom, he reminded himself. This is the man who loves me. 

“It’s just me, angel.” Remus said softly. “It’s only me.” 

Sirius sobbed once more, his whole body shaking with anguish. He fell into Remus’s open arms practically hyperventilating. Awash in panic, he took a deep, shuddering breath.

“Remus.” He mumbled urgently, more to himself than anything. Speaking the name aloud was its own sort of spell, one that filled Sirius with relief. 

“I’m here, love.” Remus said. “I’m here.”

He held Sirius as he wept, coming apart in Remus’s arms.

“When will this end, Rem?” Sirius asked.

It almost sounded as though he was begging. Pleading with Remus to make the pain stop. With all his heart, Remus wished that he could. He would take away every one of Sirius’s nightmares.

“I don’t know, love.” He whispered. “But I’m always going to be here. You’re safe, Sirius.”

Sirius responded by burying his head into Remus’s chest. Fragments of the nightmare seemed to whizz by his ears, circling his head as to not let him have a moment’s peace.

“The dementors.” He mumbled, his voice still etched in fear.

Remus nodded gravely. The two word clue told him that this dream was about Azkaban. It was always a toss up between that and the night of James and Lily’s death. In the past, there had been dreams in which Sirius watched helplessly from a corner, unable to stop his friends from being murdered. In these dreams, when Voldemort slung the killing curse at Harry, it worked perfectly fine.

“The dementors aren’t here.” Remus whispered. “I will never let them hurt you again.”

Sirius’s only response was another sob, his shoulders shaking. Remus could tell the fear and heartache had captured his entire body. He pressed a consoling kiss to the top of Sirius’s head. Before he could whisper any more words of comfort, Sirius spoke again.

“Thank you, Remus.” He choked out, lifting his head to face him. “I’m sorry.”

Remus smiled sadly at him, running a hand through Sirius’s black hair. Not for the first time, he wished that they were married. He knew Sirius thought of marriage as little more than unnecessary paperwork, but...to be married to this man, Remus was certain, would be the greatest gift of his life.

“What are you sorry for?” He asked softly.

Sirius laughed bitterly, his face reddened from crying. Remus kissed a spot on his skin where a tear was still sitting.

“For everything.” Sirius said. “For being so...broken. For letting everything that happened destroy me.”

At that, Remus’s expression grew stern. If there was one thing he didn’t stand for, it was Sirius being unkind to himself. He so missed the days of Sirius’s teenage arrogance sometimes.

“Honestly, Sirius, don’t be silly. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. You’re hardly destroyed.”

Sirius gave a small, grateful smile. He didn’t completely believe what Remus said, but he appreciated it nonetheless. He collapsed into his arms once more.

“I love you, you know that?” Sirius said. “Thank you for...always being there. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Remus squeezed him a little tighter.

“And what would I do without my companion during every full moon, Padfoot?” He asked. “I love you too.”

Without letting Remus go, Sirius lowered them both into the mattress so that they were laying down again. He smiled tearfully, touching his forehead to Remus’s.

“Let’s try going back to sleep.” He said. “Forgive me for waking you, Remus?”

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’s waist, resting his chin on the other man’s shoulder.

“Every time, Sirius.”

••••

Sirius was running his hands through Remus’s thin hair. He was kissing him. Hard. It was one of those moments Remus savored. He felt filled to the brim with contentment and love, holding onto the back of Sirius’s neck and kissing him without stopping to take a breath. It was perfect.

Sirius pulled away for a moment, apparently just to appreciate the view. He was beaming, cupping Remus’s face in his hands. He opened his mouth, but when he did his face distorted. He twisted into some deformed, disturbing version of himself. It was horrific. Remus felt his entire body go cold. Something told him that Sirius was in grave danger, and as he reached for his wand—

Remus awoke with a start, his heart plunged into familiar dread as he blinked in the darkness. With merely a cursory glance around the room, the truth was clear. It came flying back to him. Sirius Black was dead. 

Remus choked out a sob, sitting up abruptly and bringing his knees to his chest. He felt like a fool, looking around in the dark for someone he knew to be gone. Still, some section of his brain seemed to think there was a chance that Sirius might still appear. Laughing, joking, detailing the latest letter from his godson.

Remus would do anything to have him back in their bed, safely snuggled into his chest or wrapped under his arm. It was unbelievable that it had been 15 years since James and Lily’s death and the same conflict was still taking people he loved.

When Remus first realized that Sirius had been framed, he made a vow to himself that he would never lose him again. Two years had barely passed, and that vow was in tatters. Sirius was gone again, and this time it was for good.

At least this time he had vanished with his nobility in tact. It wasn’t at all like when he’d been shipped to Azkaban, and Remus had been forced to grapple with the fact that the man he loved was a traitor. Sirius was dead, but he had died a hero. 

It brought Remus some strange comfort to know this. Sirius had sacrificed himself for their cause, and now when people spoke of him it would be with the respect he always deserved. And besides, now he was with James.

It was this thought that gave Remus the most peace. He could imagine Sirius now, pulling pranks with James and teasing Lily in the afterlife. The three of them were surely having a ball without him. This was ideal.

He needn’t worry about Sirius anymore, as he used to every moment of the day. There was no dementors to shield him from. No nightmares. Remus could simply exist without the constant, low level fear that Sirius was in pain.

So, maybe it was selfish how badly he wished to have him back. He wished he was there during full moons. He wished he was there when he woke up each morning. He wished he was there in the afternoons, coming up behind him as he read to give him a kiss on the head. 

Remus forced those happy memories out of his mind for a moment. After all, they would bring him nothing but agony now. Stop thinking about him so much, Remus thought to himself. Think about the future.

He swallowed down another sob, ignoring the headache that was forming. He pushed all images of Sirius out of his head as he laid back down, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and trying to forget the guilt and misery that consumed his life. Instead, he thought about things that mattered significantly less. Quidditch. Honeyduke’s. Futile attempts at distracting himself.

In his heart, he knew: no matter what happened next, he would spend the rest of his life jolting awake from dreams of Sirius Black.


End file.
